He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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