just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
