Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
vagina is talking i cant
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
