remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
