Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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