I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
