Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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