ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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