Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
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Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?