Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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