The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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