after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
