mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
