i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
