A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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