She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
