I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
