ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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