I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
