I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
