I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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