I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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