He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
