who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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