just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
As shirtless as possible
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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