My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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