I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
