sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
