His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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