Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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