Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
