He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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