he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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