Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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