I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
