I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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