You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
