my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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