Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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