i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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