Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
