I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
