I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
