then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
