I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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