Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
