So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
