I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
