I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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