I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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