and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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