i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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