I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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