haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
