it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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