proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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