I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
